You think your life is fucked up? Try living a piece of mine.
Only a handful of things can bring tears to this man's eyes such as: the night I put a big dent in my Jeep (it was 2 a.m. and I was out of cigarettes), whenever the half-yearly sale @ Nordstrom comes around and I miss it because I'm out to sea, the night Donovan's entered this world (I fainted and then I cried--I suppose, you had to have been there) and whenever I think about how much I miss my mother. I could go on, but at the risk of suddenly bursting into tears as I type this, I'll proceed to my point.
Last night before bed, I was reading the February 2005 issue of Men's Health and in there, there's an interview that Mike Zimmerman does with county superstar Tim McGraw and in the interview, McGraw is discussing, not his successful career or his marriage to the beautiful Faith Hill, but he's talking about fatherhood, what a good father is made of, and how one becomes a good father. And just as I was about to pass this story over, I turned off my music (Destiny's Child's Destiny Fulfilled) and tuned in to what he had to say. After the second paragraph, I felt that this man and I had a couple of things in common. McGraw, like myself, was raised solely by his mother due to the fact that his father did not acknowledge that he was in fact his son. While I know who my father is, I can safely say that I know very little about the man and it's been almost 20 years since I've seen him. While eventually, Tim and his father did make amends and go on to somewhat build a father-son relationship, he says it was, "...more like uncle-nephew." I've pretty much given up the notion of even meeting my father. But I can agree with the singer that you do have to get over the hard feelings towards your dad. For me, that was one of the easiest things I've ever allowed myself to do with no regrets. However, as I've gotten older, I've found myself wondering was that the best thing to do and by making such a crucial decision (for the record, that decision was not made out of hatred), have I taken that piece of myself and kept it from my own son?
But when Mr. McGraw pointed out that the biggest mistake a father can make is not being there. I was floored! More like, I was literally reduced to tears. There, dear readers was the honest truth. The gospel in black and white. I could feel the tears sliding down my face. What you have to picture at that precise moment is my location. Bear in mind that I'm still onboard my naval warship and we're still in route to provide some assistance and relief to the tsunami vicims. I'm lying in my "coffin" rack with the light on, curtains pulled back so anyone of my other berthing compradres could walk by and see this man crying, while reading a men's magazine. But I didn't care.
You see earlier that day, I'd spoken with my son and we just exchanged dialog about absolutely nothing. He'd mentioned that my barber had asked about me. He told me that my car was still safe, and the home being built in my neighborhood were coming along as planned. We also talked about some other things, like him starting a new third grade class, he'd finally gotten his glasses repaired an his grandmother was heading back to Texas the following day. Small talk.
What's remarkable about it all is that whenever I hang up the phone with my son, there's never any doubt in my or his mind that I miss him or that he misses me. I can tell in his emails that he doesn't forget the rituals that he and I share. I know without a doubt that my son loves me and I know that he knows that I love him and that there's no place that I would rather be than with him. In the 8 years that we've been in each other's life, that's one thing that we've always managed to maintain.
The knowledge that no matter what happens or where we are, we're always together.
This whole discussion brings to mind a conversation that I'd had with my therapist 2 years back. I told her that when it's all said and done and I'm no longer around, I want there to be no second guessing that I loved my son and was willing to do anything for him.
Mahalo!
TG_H
Last night before bed, I was reading the February 2005 issue of Men's Health and in there, there's an interview that Mike Zimmerman does with county superstar Tim McGraw and in the interview, McGraw is discussing, not his successful career or his marriage to the beautiful Faith Hill, but he's talking about fatherhood, what a good father is made of, and how one becomes a good father. And just as I was about to pass this story over, I turned off my music (Destiny's Child's Destiny Fulfilled) and tuned in to what he had to say. After the second paragraph, I felt that this man and I had a couple of things in common. McGraw, like myself, was raised solely by his mother due to the fact that his father did not acknowledge that he was in fact his son. While I know who my father is, I can safely say that I know very little about the man and it's been almost 20 years since I've seen him. While eventually, Tim and his father did make amends and go on to somewhat build a father-son relationship, he says it was, "...more like uncle-nephew." I've pretty much given up the notion of even meeting my father. But I can agree with the singer that you do have to get over the hard feelings towards your dad. For me, that was one of the easiest things I've ever allowed myself to do with no regrets. However, as I've gotten older, I've found myself wondering was that the best thing to do and by making such a crucial decision (for the record, that decision was not made out of hatred), have I taken that piece of myself and kept it from my own son?
But when Mr. McGraw pointed out that the biggest mistake a father can make is not being there. I was floored! More like, I was literally reduced to tears. There, dear readers was the honest truth. The gospel in black and white. I could feel the tears sliding down my face. What you have to picture at that precise moment is my location. Bear in mind that I'm still onboard my naval warship and we're still in route to provide some assistance and relief to the tsunami vicims. I'm lying in my "coffin" rack with the light on, curtains pulled back so anyone of my other berthing compradres could walk by and see this man crying, while reading a men's magazine. But I didn't care.
You see earlier that day, I'd spoken with my son and we just exchanged dialog about absolutely nothing. He'd mentioned that my barber had asked about me. He told me that my car was still safe, and the home being built in my neighborhood were coming along as planned. We also talked about some other things, like him starting a new third grade class, he'd finally gotten his glasses repaired an his grandmother was heading back to Texas the following day. Small talk.
What's remarkable about it all is that whenever I hang up the phone with my son, there's never any doubt in my or his mind that I miss him or that he misses me. I can tell in his emails that he doesn't forget the rituals that he and I share. I know without a doubt that my son loves me and I know that he knows that I love him and that there's no place that I would rather be than with him. In the 8 years that we've been in each other's life, that's one thing that we've always managed to maintain.
The knowledge that no matter what happens or where we are, we're always together.
This whole discussion brings to mind a conversation that I'd had with my therapist 2 years back. I told her that when it's all said and done and I'm no longer around, I want there to be no second guessing that I loved my son and was willing to do anything for him.
Mahalo!
TG_H
4 Responses to “A Father's Figure?”
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- I'm THATGUY_HEATH
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Finally the day has come for me to have read this passage. For once my burning question gets answered. Why do I choose to live 2000 miles away from my mother, in the shell of my marriage so far removed from what I ever thought my life would be, living a life that has chosen me on no uncertain terms... I will tell you plain and simple. For my son and This Man's Life. Some things are bigger than me, what right do I have to take them away.
Very nice words, Diva....thank you very much.
TG_H
alrigh...BDB, can we get a new entry, already...I am speaking for all your loyal readers...you wanna do the fan club a favor and amuse us with the on goings of the last true SUPER HERO!!!!!!!!!! While you are out saving the world, literally, we need a blog update over here, lol...miss ya, and I still love you beyond the measure.
Diva
Those words were so tangible I could see them in my face like a light... The story of my Father and I. I thank you for the light I was shown when I finished...