You think your life is fucked up? Try living a piece of mine.



This Man apologizes.

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Dear L,
Today at cocktail hour, This Man was a total jackass and the only way I could think of apologizing to you was to humble myself and apologize to you on my blog.
First, I'm sorry for insulting your favorite dive bar. While I was honored that you called and invited me out for drinks, I realize that I had no right to insult the establishment that you choose to have your after-work cocktails in. And while the bartender was a bit flustered and confused when I asked her to make two extra dry Absolut martinis, This Man had no right to look at her as if she had an extra eyeball growing out of her forehead when she asked me if, "I wanted them on the rocks." It was obvious after all of the stares that the men shot at me, that not too many patrons come into Rosie & Joe's and order martinis, I will know better next time.
I mean, who really orders a martini on the rocks! But that's neither here nor there.
Next, I'm sorry for not allowing myself to relax and enjoy your company instead of being so consumed with the atmosphere that I was in. It was very obvious that you were having a good time and was comfortable with everyone around you. Whereas, I had my guard up and was on alert it was no wonder, you could sense that I was a bit uneasy. I was a total jackass and I'm sorry.
Finally, I'm sorry for allowing my mood to suddenly change unannounced after you and I had a heartfelt conversation and you told me how you really felt after I'd delivered the gut-wretching blow to our lives. No, you weren't being selfish with your feelings and I tried to respect that, but what you didn't realize is that you truly hurt my feelings. You hurt my feelings worse than any damage that I could've ever imagined. And This Man just wasn't able to recover from the blow.
So when you saw me in my car, staring off into the horizon and kind of on another plane, it was simply because This Man already feels like shit as it is, but you somehow managed to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. Only you, L, have the power to do that.
As a result, This Man shut down for the night. I didn't want to be bothered with you, my son D or anyone out in San Diego. That's why I skipped the trip downtown to the barber shop. I was feeling too much like shit to put on a face.
So I'm sitting here thinking about how insulted you were when I took cheap shots at your favorite bar and I'm deeply sorry. What I have yet to realize is that there are bars where a person can come in after work and be themselves and the other people there will actually enjoy your company. Whereas the bars that This Man frequents, everyone stands around and model and hold this pretentious attitude that makes everyone around them uncomfortable. But it's what I like. I had no right to be so childish and I wouldn't be surprised in the least if you decided to never call me again on a Friday afternoon to go out for cocktails.

Thatguyheath.


I'm Okay...I'm Okay

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So today, This Man had my initial meeting with my new therapist. After completing an MMPI exam of about 175 questions just to see if I was sane versus suicidal, normal versus paranoid and if I were any of the former then to what degree. The examination took about 1 hour to complete and if you've ever taken one of these tests what it does is present with a series of true/false questions but throughout the test it may reword the same question 5 different ways, each question measuring to what degree one's mental stablity should be calculated. This Man has taken a similar test with a previous therapist and in that one, she was moreso measuring my progress or whether our meetings had been a waste of time at the government's expense.
The next hour was spent getting to know my therapist who would be the doctor that I would primarily come to for my sessions. She's a soft spoken psychologist and it seemed her favorite color is pink. This Man settled into her office and begin to chat about my past, the present and my hopes for the future. I think she was moreso impressed that, while I'd been in therapy before, I was able to maintain some of the points I learned from my previous therapist. Our session covered my job, my relationships, family life, my siblings and my childhood.
Even This Man was suprised that I was able to open up to her and babble so freely. At one point, she had to change pens because the one she was using to take notes had ran out of ink and This Man was on a roll...she couldn't miss out.
Well, I'll probably see her again next week before I start group sessions and to tell the truth, I'm kind of looking forward to it already.
This Man loves therapy.

Mahalo


Dangerous!

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Everything about K is perfect.
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He's handsome as hell, educated, well spoken, loves the beach (like This Man does) and he has something so many men in San Diego are lacking.
Substance.
To sum him up in one word; he was dangerous. I say that because K is like the ultimate prize that every gay man is after. He's the man that seems to have it all together. He seems to be the man that every damaged guy wants to be attracted to. And if there's ever been a man that should be in the Damaged Goods bin it's This Man. But this isn't about me, it's about K.
So I chatted with K last week on Gay.com and once I got past his ripped abs, dashing good looks and fantastic sense of humor and wit, This Man started wondering why K was chatting with me. I mean, sure I have a bit of substance, but I could sense that maybe just maybe I wasn't quite his type. But we did share a love for the beach, we both could never quite comprehend the men of San Diego and we both had an unconditional love for our sons (he has twins).
After the first hour of chatting with him, This Man wanted to rush to Williams Sonoma and get us registered!
Then This Man started second guessing myself. I couldn't figure out if he was chatting with me because I was interesting and funny (both of which This Man are) or because I was the only other black man in the chatroom (could've been possible), or could it have been possible that maybe, just maybe he found me attractive. And even when K gave me his phone number and told me that he hoped that I would call him, I was still second guessing. Even when he told me, that he would, "like to get together for dinner and a beer some time", This Man was still second guessing. We ended the conversation with him saying that he would be smiling all day after talking with me (and don't even get me started about that beautiful smile of his).
This Man could've floated right out of my house.
So I'm sitting here at my workstation, staring at his number and chatting with him. I have to admit, I enjoy it and have, in fact, been looking forward to it all week. But the anxiety is still looming and my palms are sweaty as I bang on this keyboard. This guy is dangerous and if I'm not careful, This Man could be in big trouble.

Mahalo


The Bombay Sapphire & Red Bull entry.

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Even now, it's hard to believe that the night took place.
Of course, This Man is talking about my night at Numbers. It was a typical Saturday night with the majority of gay San Diego packed into this dance bar. While normally, my nights at Numbers are hardly anything to speak of let alone blog about, tonight was different in two ways.
The first being there were a few people from This Man's fine warship there, dancing their asses off and socializing. I couldn't believe it! While I'd always prided myself on the fact that, I'd never ran into anyone that I worked with, This Man almost felt threatened. These clowns were invading This Man's dance/video bar! YIKES!!! This couldn't be good!Image hosted by Photobucket.com
But it turned out to be great!
I could've never imagined that I would have a good time with some of my co-workers. I have to admit, it was good to for once not be at my favorite bar standing around by myself. I enjoyed dancing with them and just talking and having a few drinks. Ironically, it was them who were more concerned about word leaking out that I'd seen them at the bar instead of the other way around.
So there I am having a good time with some other sailors from work and at the same time, I'm seeing too many guys at Numbers that This Man has slept with. In one hour, I counted 6 guys there that I'd not only seen naked but could also tell you if they were good in bed or not. 6 guys.
That I'd slept with. Sure that's not a really big number, but to see them all in one night that wasn't good. But I was cordial. I spoke to each one of them as we made eye contact. I remembered each guy's name (which says a lot). And they atleast seemed to be happy to see me.
I just couldn't keep the smirk off my face though. I mean, here I was in my favorite bar on a Saturday night with a couple of people from work and a couple of men that I'd slept with. It was as if This Man's two world's were about to collide. Miraculously, they didn't and all was cool.
Thank god for the Bombay Sapphire and Red Bull.

Mahalo.


Sitting on the dock

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Today was the first time ever that This Man wasn't able to get underway with my fine warship. And looking back on the day and the fact that my Navy friends are out to sea and I'm not there to endure the nonesense with them actually makes me a bit sad. And sure even though, I'm scheduled to transfer from that hell on steel soon, it was just a bit of a disappointment when I was told this morning that I wouldn't be getting underway with them. Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Nevertheless, I did email my friend S and she told me that the day was long and full of bullshit so I guess that should've provided some sort of comfort. But I guess when it's all said and done (and I know I'm going to suddenly cramp up in the fingers as This Man types this), I do miss being out there with my crew. Sure most of those clowns couldn't tell you where a portside bulkhead is and sure most of those guys and girls whine more than a baby with colic but they're members of my crew on my piece-of-shit warship.
And at this moment, I kind of miss being with them.

Mahalo


Ono...not again!

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We agreed to meet at 8:00 at Ono Sushi for dinner, follow up with drinks and after that who knows. Believe it or not, This Man had spent the whole week, anticipating getting together with J for another one of our dates. So when I showed up he wasn't there and that could only mean one of two things; either we should've agreed to meet at 8:30 or he was teaching me a lesson about the importance of being on time. Nonetheless, This Man was choking down yet another cigarette when J came strolling down the sidewalk. He looked great! And as usual, I was happy to see him. Since it was a Saturday night, and Ono was one of the happening sushi spots in Hillcrest--more like San Diego altogether, we ended up having to wait another 20 minutes before we could be seated.Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Suprisingly, we didn't talk about becoming exclusive, but instead just spent the time getting caught up on what the other has been up to. It was at this moment that I realized that I do miss him when we don't see each other and whenever we agree to get together, This Man actually anticipates it. So finally dinner & drinks came (and as usual, This Man refused to drink too much for fear of entering into an agreement that I would regret later) and again, I was having a great time. I really do enjoy being with J.
"We should do this more often" he said. I had to agree with him. I guess this was what a date date really was. We left the sushi restaurant and heading across the street, hand in hand, to Flicks for drinks. Maybe it was because This Man and J showed up way too early to be among the Saturday night crowd, but the bar was dead, but it didn't matter because all we did was sit in the corner, talk and make out. Again, we were that couple who everyone hates to see in public because we couldn't seem to keep our hand to ourselves.
It was only a matter of time before we were on the road and headed back to J's place. To wrap it up, I spent the night there and had a great time with him asleep, curled up in my arms.

Mahalo


This Man will return...

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There's been so much shit going on with This Man personally that I hardly have time to sit down and blog it all. But, I'm still here and I'll be back with more and to wrap up the weekend on Sunday (and believe me, there's a lot to tell).
See you on Sunday.

Mahalo


How to Behave...

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If there's anyone who's a strong critic of others who fail to display proper manners and sometimes even etiquette (proper English is a whole different story), it's This Man. I guess I should explain what I mean so as not to be confused with Miss Manners or any of those old generation matrons of proper etiquette. You see, This Man is a strong believer that manners and respect will take you a long way. So to the best of my ability, I always try to be respectful of others--even when the situation calls for otherwise (and sure there was the time, when rather than to tell WX that I was not having a good time out with him, I ditched him without so much as a goodbye, but that's neither here nor there).
But Sunday evening, while at Border's bookstore with my son, D and L, This Man came across the best book with rules so simple that, even though it is a childrens' book, the rules can and should be applied to adults as well. The book was titled How to Behave and Why by Munro Lewis. The book, originally published in 1946, is proof positive that there are some things that adults and children should both learn and apply to daily life.
On the inside flap is the following quotation;
"No matter where you are or who you are, there are four main things that you have to do if you want to make good friends and keep them.
  • You have to be HONEST
  • You have to be STRONG
  • You have to be FAIR
  • and you have to be WISE
And there is no good in trying to fool yourself. All that isn't so easy. "
This Man was so overcome by the simplicity of the book and its teachings that, I didn't buy the book then, but instead went on ebay and purchased it. I was originally going to give the book to my son, but I think I'll keep the book for myself.
Just in case I suddenly forget those 4 rules of being a better person.

Mahalo


Drunk at La Fuente

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This Man finally managed to pick myself up enough to get out of the house and get back on with my life. Sure, things have changed drastically (and I'll get down to explaining that eventually), but I realized today when I woke up, that I was still here and I was going to be okay.
But the reason for me blogging so late/early in the morning was because this evening had such an ironic twist that I had to do something just to get it all out of my head. It all began around 10p.m. this evening. This Man was chatting on Gay.com to a couple of guys and at the same time was trying to decide if I was going to go out to Numbers tonight. Ultimately, I agreed to meet two guys there, neither of which knew about the other one. The classic lines were used..."What will you be wearing?" "What time will you get there?" and, "Call me once you're inside." It didn't matter too much because This Man knows how things are done in gay San Diego. So I showed up as planned but of course, I didn't see either of the guys there which didn't matter because I really didn't give a damn. My first mistake was lingering around my favorite bar station. That was where I ran into my old Navy buddy/friend, RA. He was smashed! So drunk in fact that when This Man picked RA's credit card up off the floor and handed it to him, he looked at it and finally declared, "This credit card looks exactly like mine.!"
It was right then and there that This Man knew that I had to ditch him. If I didn't end up loosing him then it would be me who would be the chaperone/designated driver. And as it is, I can barely get myself home in one piece let alone this drunken drama queen. I quietly slipped into the crowd and tried to disappear.
Ultimately, I ditched RA (more like he was last seen, strolling with a couple of guys--all holding hands) so to my car, This Man went. And here's where things took a turn for the worst.
Fast forward about 20 minutes and This Man's in line at La Fuente, waiting to order my usual when from behind me comes this drunken voice that belonged to the hottest man in the restaurant. He was talking to me! Though at this moment, I couldn't tell you what he was blabbing on about, I can tell you that he looked great. He smelled great and when he smiled, that was great too. He'd never had anything from this neighborhood taco shop and was just wondering how the food was.
Suddenly, I wondered, "Were we in a restaurant?" Never one to smile, let alone laugh, This Man turned around and we started making small talk. I was interested. He wasn't. It was obviously his first time out in "boystown" and the whole concept was a bit foreign to him. I knew right then one of two things about him, 1) He was still in the closet or 2) He was straight. He laughed when This Man asked him that.
"How do you figure?" he asked. I was totally for an instant, taken away by this guy. Hell, I could feel my face turning crimson! Thank goodness, the line was long and the staff was moving slow! It was then, that he launched the missile...he was straight!
Straight! What the fuck?! He only lived in "boystown" because the neighborhood was nice and clean. But he was intrigued by men dating men. At this point, I couldn't take anymore.
But fear not, This Man was pleasant because he was still a nice guy.
There would just be no number exchanging...that's all.
This Man offered him a ride once we both left La Fuente but unfortunately he had his car. But I'm sure, I'll run into him again.
I'm pretty sure, that later on today when I go back and read this, it won't make any sense, so that's why I'm calling it...


For my good friend, L...

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