He was so direct and straight forward, it took This Man by surprise.
This evening, my son and I were talking while I was having a bite to eat. The conversation started out on a light note and the usual smacking of each other around the way that we usually do. Until D made the following comment.
D: "When you hit me Dad, it hurts."
This Man: "When you hit me, it hurts too."
Here's where he really got my attention.
D: "But when I do something bad and you thump me on the head, it hurts."
This Man: "Well D, that's because when you do something bad, I get upset with you. You're not a baby are you?"
D: "I always tell myself not to cry when you thump me."
This Man: "You do?"
D: "And I cry and I get mad because I don't want you to think I'm a baby."
It was right then and there that This Man wanted to cry. I was speechless! And at that precise moment, I saw myself as the monster that I'd tried to never allow myself to become.
You see, I've never wanted my son to see me as a monster or as someone that he should be afraid of. At the same time, I know that it is my job as his father to enforce discipline in him. My son knows that when he does wrong, he is to be punished. But understand that what I think is punishment may not be punishment to others. Sure, I'll ground him, take away his video game privileges or he can't watch television or go outside for a couple of days, but those punishments are pretty easy for him to handle. But my son knows that there are some things for which a harsher punishment is required. For example, when he lies to me or he doesn't do as he's told.
That's where a smack or a thump is given and in my defense, it's supposed to hurt.
But not to the point where it evokes fear.
Back to the earlier conversation. He then went on to talk about his first fight at the neighborhood playground in which a kid hit him and gave him his first nosebleed.
This Man: "When the kid hit you on the playground, did you cry then?"
D: "Yes."
This Man: "I was upset that it happened, but you didn't do anything wrong."
D: "But it hurt."
This Man: "Yes, I know. But son, don't ever let anyone see you cry on the playground like that."
D: "I didn't want to cry when I came home. I didn't want you to see me crying."
Again, This Man was floored! At the same time, I was flattered that he was finally telling me this. But I knew that after hearing this all coming from him, I would definitely have to make some changes in the way I do things with him. My son, I've been told, is my biggest fan and I know he without a doubt loves me the way I love him. But after hearing all of this coming from his 8 year old mouth, I couldn't help but wonder, "Was I worthy?"
Tonight before he rushed off to bed, he sat and watched a bit of Law & Order with me, as usual and before heading up the stairs, he told me that he loved me. But all my mind would replay was the above conversation that we had. Over and over.
Over and over.
This Man knew what was next. I was a monster.
And I bawled like a baby.

Mahalo

**Picture (Untitled by Keith Haring)